Lex

[Music – Jazz Suite Waltz No 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich]

 

EMILY BISHOP: You're about to hear a conversation between myself Emily Bishop, and the man we're calling Lex that took place in the afternoon of Saturday, February 19, 2022. Lex is a vampire. And this is his story.

 

[Music – Jazz Suite Waltz No 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich]

[Sound of cassette being loaded and then recording]

 

LEX: So, I go by Lex and the community. I've been like that since the beginning. Since I joined it. I don't uh, remember where that name comes- came from, but I just sort of came up with it and went with it. And it's been there since. In my normal life, I'm a motion graphics designer. I animate stuff. So, I work on like commercials and various things. I've been doing that for a while. I mean, beyond those things... I'm an artist. I'm interested in a variety of different things. So, yeah.

 

BISHOP: Can you walk me through an average day in your life?

 

LEX: Um, pretty normal. I mean, things have changed a lot. But uh, you know, it's ordinary. I get up in the morning. I get breakfast. I go to work. Usually I, you know, get off. Do what I need to do, make some dinner, and go to sleep. My sleep schedule is pretty messed up, but that's fine. Yeah.

 

BISHOP: So, how would you define a vampire?

 

LEX: Yeah, so the- the definition I feel like varies from person to person and like experience to experience. But mine has been it's someone with a need for something. Whether that is, and I don't know which- which perspective you were coming from, because I know you found my blog and that's mostly like, sanguinarian stuff. Which is like, blood vampirism, which is the most alluring I think for most people who don't really know what it is. But then there's the more esoteric psychic vampirism, which is someone who needs like, energy. And it's, it's, it's like a legit need, it seems like like, people go sick if they go too long without it, people start feeling horrible. A lot of times you, you see in sanguinarian vampirism, it's a sudden, like degradation of your like digestive system. For whatever reason that's really common is people will just start like, not being able to eat properly. So that's my basic definition is like the need for one of those things, energy or blood. Or something in that like realm to kind of keep yourself healthy and- healthy and keep yourself going.

 

BISHOP: This need for something is kind of the, the most necessary trait in your eyes?

 

LEX: Yeah.

 

BISHOP: So how did you first come to the conclusion that you're a vampire?

 

LEX: It was a long, long road for me because I didn't realize for.... I think my, what they call it is an awakening in the community. Mine started like eight years ago. And most people from what I've seen it maybe lasts like a year or something, and you start to get the hang of it and start to make- like get some understanding. Mine took like, half of the time that I've known this, it was like four years of just absolute confusion. And it really did start as this like really subtle, like interest. And then that interest grew into like, kind of a, like weird, like, nagging pull on me. And then before I knew it, I was like, neck deep in- in like full body cravings that I couldn't understand. And I think the thing that a lot of people don't recognize when they look into this sort of thing is you don't know why you feel that way. You don't know that you have that need, you just know what the... What those things are pulling you for, you know. So it's very odd. It was this, it was this like slow, slow burn that just like tumbled into undescribable like cravings. The just like... stood that way for a long time. I had to figure out how to deal with them. And then I didn't recognize that there was actually a need there that needed to be filled until like two years after it started. And at that point, I felt like I was going crazy.

 

BISHOP: Talk more about that, about how you felt when- when you got these cravings it- you said it was like a four year kind of process, your awakening. What was that like?

 

LEX: It's like this visceral, full body like compulsion. A lot of time it would come with like vivid things in my imagination like... Like, when when I sit down and think like, oh, I want to imagine an apple, like, I can do that. But when some of these things would come on, it would come on in such a vivid, like imagining of it, that it was beyond any of- any of that ordinary, like, oh, I want to think about something. It's very odd a lot of like, as gross it is, as it is a lot of like, mouth watering. And like that, like that feeling in your throat of like something, you know, needs to happen here. A lot of pull towards people in weird ways. That was of course, like, very uncomfortable. Because I've always been a very caring person. This wasn't ever something that I would have imagined as a kid that would ever be in my mind. So like, you know, I don't want to hurt a person. But that compulsion, kind of, because there's no other way in modern society. If you think about it that way. Of course there is. And you know, of course, we're gonna get into that, but it was this... Yeah, just full body compulsion. A lot of it is like indescribable in ways that I don't think I could convey completely, but I've had... I've had times where I would like eat food. And every bite would be like, nauseating. Times, the weirdest thing I think that would come up was like, even drinking water. You drink a little bit of water and it felt like nothing was going into your body. Just the weirdest, weirdest stuff. And that kind of stuff only happens after, you know, a long time of leaving yourself without

 

BISHOP: You mentioned earlier. Like sanguinarian as a type. Can you define that term?

 

LEX: Yeah, so there's I... In a broad spectrum, there are like three different types of vampires. Sanguinarian, which is someone who feels the compulsion that need to drink blood. Psychic vampires, someone who which, you know, a lot of people have a difficult time believing it. But psychic vampires are people who feel the need to take in like energy from other people. And then there are hybrids, which are a mix of both or can do both. Kind of, you know,

 

BISHOP: How do you I guess most closely align yourself of those- those three categories?

 

LEX: Um, I absolutely 100% started as a sanguinarian. And again, this is not like something I chose to do. I don't think any sane human being would. But my interests and curiosity have kind of pulled me to delve deeper into the realm of psychic vampirism. Because it's, it's a lot of the time, one of the biggest things that I talk about with people is like substitutes. If you don't have something that you need to have, if there's a way to substitute and trick your brain into thinking that you do, it can help even for a little bit of the time. And I've heard of plenty of sanguinarians who have gone to psychic vampirism as a substitute to help out from time to time. Plus, it's just experience that I never had. And I had always been curious and wondering, like, is this real? Is it possible? I don't know. And so I kind of delved- delved into that recently. And I suppose that technically, I would be labeled as a hybrid now even though I am not sure that that actually is fulfilled. That need in the same way that sanguinarian- sanguinarianism does.

 

BISHOP: So, you've drank blood before?

 

LEX: Yeah.

 

BISHOP: What- what was that like, the first time you did that?

 

LEX: It's really... I think, people have this view of, you know, the movies where it's this very, like, amazing thing. And the the, the actual act itself is, but everything- it's a perpetrated thing- thing throughout the entire community, of people who are on this side, that it is- the actual act of getting it is really clinical. A lot of people use, like, sterile scalpels, or a lot of people even learn phlebotomy or like venipuncture. And it's pretty much you only do it in a safe way if you're like licensed and you know how to do stuff like that, because that can seriously hurt somebody. But yeah, the first time it was very weird because I was sitting down super nervous. And I believe it was, and this sounds a little grisly because I know it's not probably the most medically safe practice, but I think it was a... Like one of those alcohol swab pads. Uh, cleaning things, of course. I use like an exacto knife, I think and, in place with a scalpel, because I was in art school, and I didn't have the, you know, ability to kind of go out and get those safer tools. And it was very much this kind of difficult thing. But the actual, you know, as soon as you make that cut, which is difficult, it's a lot harder, I think, than you might think, to actually, like, sit down there and do that. But it was like, amazing after that, and a lot of the difficulties that I had had physically and even mentally, kind of just went away for a little while. And it was incredible. Like, there's, there's almost this feeling of being, like, lifted up in a weird way. Like, I definitely don't want to get into weird waters of, of relating, like blood to a drug, because it's not, and should never be treated as one. But there's something weird about it, where like, your vision gets clearer. And you're just, everything seems to be heightened for a little bit, which is strange. But that's sort of what happened. I've caught myself in the past, like staring at my hand afterwards. Because I can see every little like, crevice and detail of it. It's just, it's weird. But that's just how it is.

 

BISHOP: Did you have a donor for this?

 

LEX: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's still my donor. So I've had- I've been blessed to be able to have someone consistent for like, I think it's been like four years at this point.

 

BISHOP: So, what was the the process of meeting your, your donor and having this conversation?

 

LEX: Yeah, so luckily enough, my donor is also my girlfriend. And I am the kind of person who I kind of terrified her, I think, because I... I have a very difficult time telling me- telling people about this. Because I've heard horror, horror stories about other people. I've heard people like, kicked out of homes, I've heard people like, you know, losing jobs, losing entire, like, friend groups losing a lot of stuff. And I mean, I'm, I don't, I haven't heard any specific examples. But I wouldn't be surprised if it goes so far as people like actually losing their lives. But we met and I had this compulsion to be like, if I'm going to choose to be with someone, I can't hide something from them that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives. So if that's the intention, you know, but I've always been that kind of guy where I'm getting with someone and I want to put it all on the table, to see, you know, if this lasts for a long, long time, I want to make sure that I'm being honest. And so yeah, the first few days and like dates, I, I was like just kind of going with the flow and like getting a feel for it. And then at a certain point, I sent her a text or something, it was like, it was probably worded really badly. Because it was something to the effect of like, I have something horrible I need to tell you about myself. And I think she assumed that I'd done something like terrible, because sad to say like, I'd been in a relation- relationship before that where the person like, again, I felt the compulsion to tell them. And the person basically, like tricked me into thinking that I was like, horrible. That I was like a monster for all of these things that I didn't choose to do. And so I had this, basically, I sent them a text, I was like, I have something horrible to tell you like, with this intention of like, I'm a monster in my brain. And we sat down and talked about it, and she was super cool with it. And really, really, like, if you need that, you know, let me know. And basically a few weeks later, we figure it out and took some time and finally did it and it was like this breath of fresh air. Because when you have a belief that feels so fake to everyone else. There's an- it's so easy to doubt yourself. And like I know, even beyond that point, I've doubted like is this just garbage that I'm telling myself to like, make myself feel more special or feel cooler or like separate myself from other people? And it's just I don't tell anyone about it. Why would I do that? Like it's not, it's not that. So it's been it's... It's strange, but it definitely helped open up that, that realization. I guess.

 

BISHOP: That's, that's good to hear that it all worked out.

 

LEX: Oh, for sure. After a few attempts.

 

BISHOP: Yeah. So you mentioned earlier this idea of kind of getting into like psychic vampirism and psychic feeding. How did you... How do you go about doing that? How did you go about getting into that?

 

LEX: So I've been, I've been getting into more like, crazy spirituality for a while. I was like hardcore Christian for a long time. And I have nothing against Christianity, I have nothing against Christians, but it just, it felt sort of limiting to what I wanted to pursue. I found myself- I even went to a Christian college, I found myself being most interested in the stuff that you probably shouldn't be interested in if you're a Christian. So I was always interested in like, oh, exorcisms, and like, like, all of the crazy stuff that seems much more out there. And like, you know, I just found myself kind of leaning that way. And so after college, I... I started looking at other things. And I started pursuing spirituality in a weird, in a way that was like, a little bit different. I started getting the interest in like, oh, how can I how can I become more in tune with things that may not- may not even be there. Because I was extremely doubtful as to whether or not any of it was real. But it helped because I was listening, I had been talking to psychic vampires online for like years at that point. So I had a decent understanding of like, the methods that they used, there are a bunch of books out there way more than you'd think there'd be on subjects like this. And I kind of just dove in and tried it a bit. And it took persistence. But like, there have been things that I've experienced that have like dashed those doubts completely. And being someone who came from, you know, I was Christian, but a lot of my life, I didn't really believe in anything. I went to a Christian Elementary School. And then I left and I was like an oblivious child for the rest of the time until college. I just completely forgot about any form of religion or spirituality. And it just sort of left my- my zone of view, I focused on everything else. I didn't even think about it. It wasn't that I was an atheist. It just, I didn't, I didn't care. And then I got back into college and got back into Christianity, because it was what felt like what I wasn't used to in the past. But yeah, I just, I'm definitely a very scientific person when it comes to a lot of this stuff. And it's very hard to believe for a lot of people. But when you get to have experiences that prove things to you that you didn't think were real, it... Yeah, it really opened some doors, I think, as far as like studying that sort of stuff.

 

BISHOP: Yeah. So can you talk more about these experiences you had that kind of quelled any, any doubts that you might have had?

 

LEX: So I had on the more, you know, vampirism based ideas. I had a moment with my donor where I sat down and we were like, okay, we're gonna feed me for the day. Not for the day. I don't do it every day. It's like every few weeks or something like that. Honestly, it's been a long time right now. I should again, but it's been a while. But we sat down. And I was basically like, you know, I've been reading a lot of stuff. I've been studying a lot of different things. Would it be cool if I, like tried this. And she basically, like she's into a lot of this spirituality too. And she has a lot of experience in it. And I basically just told her, like, sit down and kind of get into a meditative space. And just like put your walls down. And she sat down, and we were like, sitting across from each other for like, not even a few minutes. And a very similar feeling that comes from feeding off of blood came like with that. And then she just like she fell over forwards. She's never done that. There's no reason for her to do that. She was like dazed for a while. Like she was unresponsive for a bit. It's one of the reasons why I don't really do that much with her because it's much more easier, now we use like diabetic lancets. And it's just like a finger prick. And she's good, whatever. But it was very weird because suddenly like this thing that even while I'm doing it, there's this doubt of like, is this- am I just tricking my brain? And then suddenly, like, she falls over in front of me. And there's this very real like, no, that happened. And then afterwards, I asked her like how did it feel? And she basically explained to me what I was doing on like a weird enough to say, non physical level. Like she told me how it felt and that was how I was like doing it. So it was very weird.

 

BISHOP: So is this- this kind of like, psychic vampirism feeding versus the more like sanguinarian based, does it like fill a different need inside? Like how does it feel for you one versus the other?

 

LEX: They're surprisingly similar. But I've always felt that sanguinarianism, that particular feeding, for me at least, cause every one is wildly different. It's pretty surprising actually. At least for me, that seems to be my need, my basic need that kind of I go to. Psychic vampirism is more, grown into a hobby and an interest, because I don't do it that often. But I really like to study about it, learn more. Figure it out.

 

BISHOP: So what are some some common misconceptions about like real vampires.

 

LEX: Um, pretty much, it's pretty much everything. Um, it's interesting to see how many symptoms people kind of say they have that are similar to the idea of what, what, like the mythical view of a vampire is. But in all reality, the only reason why that term is even used at all, is because people like, especially people who don't feel like they fit into society, people like to find community. And that was just kind of the way to do it, you need a word for it, you need a hashtag, you need whatever. And so that's the word that started to be used. But like, I've heard people say that they have light sensitivity. I could say that too. But I also work behind the computer like not all the time. 24/7 Pretty much. Of course, I have light sensitivity. People, there are people with porphyria that fit into this, but it's not everyone. And just so you know, if that's not a word that pops out, porphyria is basically like sunlight sensitivity on the skin. So you get sunburned, like, instantly when you go outside. You know, there are vampires from every race. So pale skin is definitely not one of them. If you stab me through the heart with a stake, I guarantee you I'm going down. I'm not going to be lasting for very long. That's just you know, and, and you know, immortality. Obviously not. Though there are some interesting, like, religious, spiritual ideas when it comes to that with like, more of the extreme into psychic vampirism, like leanings that some people have. Which was super interesting, but like, you know, as far as physical immortality, where, you know, I'm gonna stay young forever, I guarantee you, that's not true, because I've seen a lot of vampires with white hair, and a lot of them with like, wrinkles, and, you know, a lot of people and sucks to say I've, I've had a lot of people I've known who died. So obviously, that's not one of them.

 

BISHOP: So who in your life knows that you're a vampire.

 

LEX: Um, it's super limited. There are some people out there who are very open and try to be as open as possible. There's... I would love to one day tell like my family. But I haven't. And I just can't, I cannot imagine that they would be cool with it. They just, I think, learned that I've strayed from the path into more rocky spirituality waters. And that freaked them out. So I can't imagine that, that they are going to be super excited about this thing, because I don't- I think that they would, they're very nice people. But they've taken every effort to try to understand stuff like that. And I just I can't imagine that they could. I've told every significant other that I've had, since I woke, woken, wake? Whatever it is. And that has gone great in some cases and really bad and others. I told one of my friends in college, which is difficult because that was a heavily Christian College. And I don't know what I was thinking in the moment, but it kind of came out. And he was cool with it. Beyond that, it's super limited. I don't think anyone else knows.

 

BISHOP: You talked about kind of knowing some other vampires. So are you part of like a like a greater community?

 

LEX: Oh, it's, it's surprisingly big. Yeah. It's difficult because there are a lot of really blurry lines between what people believe, what people have experienced. Sadly, there's a big rift between psychic vampires and sanguinarians. It's just, I don't understand it, really. But both sides seem to have something with each other. Because sanguinarians tend to be very medically minded a lot of the time. There's a common term med-sang, which is medical sanguinarine, which is someone who believes basically that sanguinarianism is a physiological disease, there's nothing beyond that. That it's either physiological or psychological. And there, I'm pretty sure there are people out there actually trying to figure out what the cause is of it. But as far as I know, there's zero proof to anything being the source of- whether that's on either side spiritual or not, or medical. There's just no proof. There are- it's a, it's surprisingly a huge community. There are communities all over the internet. There are communities in like, the world. I was part of a group in the last place I lived, which was Phoenix, Arizona. Which I had some mixed opinions about, sadly, the the concept of the mythical like vampire gets in some people's heads. And when they make groups, they start to believe that they're like, nobility or special or something, you know, which they're not. It's a Facebook group. But yeah, like, I went to a party there. And it was like, it was crazy. Because suddenly, you're in the room full of people who have a similar thing to you that no one else understands. So it's, I've, I've talked to over my time, probably at least, like 50, or up to 100, maybe more people like that. So it- there's a lot of people out there.

 

BISHOP: How did you first get involved with these groups? Like, how did you find them?

 

LEX: So one of the first groups that I ever joined was, it's a great resource and it is called, I think it's VCNB.org. It's a message board. It's a super old, like, forum. It's been around for quite a bit of time. And it's kind of dead now. But it's still like a font of information. And that was one of the first places that I went, were at the beginning of my awakening, not the beginning. But like, two years in, where if suddenly, my cravings were no longer just insanity. There was a reason behind them. And there was there were other people's who've, who felt it and other people who can even like teach me kind of what was going on. It was super helpful place to be, but that wasn't any sort of physical like house or whatever, they have plenty of weird names for them. In Arizona, specifically, I think I was reaching out online to see if there was a physical house because I'm curious. And I like meeting people. And I want to be a part of stuff like this. And my mission, since I got more knowledge about, you know, what this is, has been like teaching people and being as positive of a impact on communities that can be. I like, I do not want anyone to go through the kind of awakening that I did, if if I can help it, because I was a confused, terrified kid who had no idea what was going on. And if I can keep someone else from dealing with stuff like that, that'd be great. But I was reaching out online, and trying to find groups and I'm met someone else through... There is a I believe I'm hoping that I'm getting its URL, right. There's another site called theblackbooks.net. And I recommend that to like everybody who deals with the stuff that I do. Because it's like a, it's a map with a resource where you can put a little blip on the map of like, Hey, I'm here. And you can type out like, not type out. But there are little icons for like, I need this, or I'm willing to give this. Whatever it is. And I met someone else on there. And we're basically like, hey, we want to start a group, because we looked online, and we couldn't find anything about the area. And we were just trying to like start a meeting group, get a bunch of friends together and like, finally meet some other people in person who were dealing with the same things. And we were online spreading this idea for a little while. And suddenly we both got contacted on like Facebook or something by this, this group that was seeming quite high and mighty. And basically like, the, these are adults, mind you. Um, basically insisting that we were infringing on their territory. I have some serious issues with some of the major, major like they call them courts because they're insane. But basically, like they sent us- they shot us message and were like, you're infringing on this territory, when we're over here, like kids fresh out of college, just wanting to meet up with some people. And yeah, we basically just went back and forth and ended up going to this party that they were hosting cause might as well meet people somehow. Because we didn't want to deal with any more of the nonsense. And then past that we went just the one time. I think COVID hit a little bit after and we both kind of made our distance cause it was a weird place to be.

 

BISHOP: In- in your journey of like coming to terms with this, this craving and kind of realizing what it was. Was there ever a point in your life where you did think it was maybe like a like a medical or like psychological condition or something like that?

 

LEX: I mean, I definitely thought it was psychological for a long time. I... I just thought I was going insane. Like I went from being a totally normal kid. Who was, mind you, I had no interest in vampires. I had no int- I always hated horror movies. I don't watch them. I never was interested. I don't think I'd watched a single vampire, like movie, read a single book on them. Like the entire time I was a kid. And then suddenly these cravings come on. And it's just like, I had no idea what was happening. So, I think I lost track of your original question.

 

BISHOP: I think you answered- just if you ever considered like, like seeing a doctor when you like, weren't feeling well?

 

LEX: Well, at the beginning, it was very less the physiological things as it was just like, my mind is full of stuff it probably shouldn't be full of. And I'm, I mean, the most dramatic timeframe. I was like a theater kid in high school. And like, the entire- every day was full of like, crazy thoughts that I was just like, there was a part of me that was like, let's dive in. And then there was that other side of me that was like, let's not do that at all. Because it was, it's this like brutal animalistic, like, really dangerous mindset. You shouldn't be having. And any sort of giving into those more, like brutal thoughts it's just not, not... You can't live like that.

 

BISHOP: So you mentioned earlier, growing up, like very Christian, even attending a Christian college. How did that play a role or affect you when when you were going through your awakening and trying to figure everything out?

 

LEX: Sure. So I went, I think it started in my junior year of high school. So I spent two years just not knowing what was going on. My third year, I went to a community college, and the fourth year, I went to a univer- a Christian university. And I don't, I wasn't super into spirituality yet. I hadn't like started delving into some of those things yet, but I still tied parts of my life to it. And I was, I always say that I was like, I was extremely Christian. I was crazy Christian, which is wild to me, because I wasn't for so long. But then I jumped into college, all of a sudden, I'm like, deep in it. And I think I at the time, I attributed my like awakening and my vampirism direct- like I attributed to God, I thought that, like, God gave me this to make me stronger, which, at the time made sense, because I went from being an oblivious kid who kind of floated through life, to going through these like trials. And at the same time, I became a much more knowledgeable, much better person, I think through them. And so it felt sensible that like, God is putting me through this so that I can be greater for other people. So it was, it was odd. But yeah, I don't hold on to that belief anymore. But I don't necessarily, I don't really know where it came from.

 

BISHOP: Can you uh... Can you talk a little bit about like, your current kind of relationship with that? With spirituality?

 

LEX: So it definitely isn't gonna vibe with most people. And it definitely wouldn't vibe with my previous self. But I am extremely interested in figuring out what is real, what isn't. And I take it from a very, like, experiential position. I study everything from like, New Age, whatever, like hippie stuff to like... To like magic and things like old books, and old philosophies and stuff like that. So I am... I have done lots of work on like meditation and various things. And I've been, I've had some incredible experiences through it. I tried to study as much as I can to learn how to like speak with spirits and different stuff. And that has been a up and down rocky road. But it's been a really interesting one. Cause my girlfriend is a natural with some of that. And it's been much harder for me to get into that swing. But it's fascinating. So yeah.

 

BISHOP: Well, is there anything I haven't asked you about that you'd like to speak to?

 

LEX: It's a deep, deep hole to dig in. I mean, I was... I didn't really think about it for quite a few years. And then just this last year, I've started reading and studying and finding out that there's a lot more to it. There's a lot more stuff going on. So it's really interesting to look into all of it and try to figure out like, even what is the cause? Because no one... Everyone's got their ideas, everyone's got their theories, but no one really knows.

 

[Sound of cassette recording and being stopped]

[Music – Jazz Suite Waltz No 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich]

 

BISHOP: Thanks for listening to this interview from The Vampire Tapes. I hope you enjoyed it. There are five interviews in this series, so be sure to listen to all of them. For more information on this project, check out tinyurl.com/vampiretapes.

 

[Music – Jazz Suite Waltz No 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich]