Rose

[Music – Jazz Suite Waltz No 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich]

 

EMILY BISHOP: You're about to hear a conversation between myself, Emily Bishop, and a woman we’re calling Rose that took place in the early evening of Thursday, January 27, 2022. Rose is a vampire. And this is her story.

 

[Music – Jazz Suite Waltz No 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich]

[Sound of cassette being loaded and then recording]

 

ROSE: Um, I’ve been working in retail for a long time. That's just kind of what I've been doing. I was going to school for horticulture. Did that for a little bit, but COVID came in. And that was really difficult to do online schooling. I'm 25. You know. Play a lot of video games. It's kind of what I do, stay inside a lot. I like to go outside though, when I can. Can be difficult. No, not a whole lot there.

 

BISHOP: So, can you walk me through what an average day in your life looks like?

 

ROSE: wake up at like 830 Get to work at nine, work a nine to five at a retail job, come home and be really tired and relax during the day and kind of rinse and repeat really? Nothing to exceptional I mean, play online for some people video games online. But you know, pretty simple stuff, I think.

 

BISHOP: And you would consider yourself a vampire?

 

ROSE: Yeah. Yeah, it's, I definitely consider myself one. It's something that hasn't been as much of an issue as it was for me early on. Previously, like, when I was 1819 It was really difficult to deal with. Just because it kind of came out of nowhere. But over time, the tendencies that come along with that territory has subsided to the point that I- I consider myself a vampire, but I don't really, like have any blood very often that you face, but it was it was a big problem for me when I was like 1819. I was. Yeah.

 

BISHOP: So how would you define a vampire in your terms?

 

ROSE: I think there's a number of different ways you can define one. Certainly there's like your energy, like psychic vampires, you know, people who don't consume blood, but will take energy from others. Or then people who consume blood to then take energy from from other people as well. I think that's something that vampires is a, it's a main point of that is is taking energy from one person and then giving it to that person who needs the energy. But then there's an there's also the point of just, you know, for me, the energy wasn't the big thing. It's not like I was going out of the way. I think over time, I just started stabling out. Sorry, I'm getting a little off track. So you've got your people who will take energy away from one person. And then you have people who just just like the taste or really crave it, it's something like, for no reason. It's like, Why do I crave blood right now? It's like, oh, I don't have an iron deficiency. I don't have some sort of medical issue related, but I just want it. And that's what it was like, for me. There was a little bit of energy involved there. But really, it was just like, really just like the taste.

 

BISHOP: So how did you first come to realize that you were a vampire? And how did you come to that conclusion?

 

ROSE: i It was weird. So there is this idea of what might be called like an awakening, you might hear that you read up online or something like that, where it's just one day for no real reason. And not like I could pinpoint the day. But I just started to have like a really, really big desire for it. It made no sense to me. I was thoroughly confused. But it's like, you know, you have a cut or something and you try a little bit or something like that. And then it was just kind of out of control. I'm not that I ever, like did anything with anybody else. That's a whole other point of that conversation. But yeah, it was just like, out of the blue, really?

 

BISHOP: About how old were you when when this happened?

 

ROSE: I think I was 19. 18-19. About there.

 

BISHOP: So you said that it just kind of came out of nowhere, right? So so how did you feel when you had this awakening? What was your thought process? What did you do?

 

ROSE: I, it was, it was a bit frustrating, because you can't just consume anybody's blood, you just don't, you don't just like have a significant other and decide to do that. Because of blood borne pathogens and diseases, you know, you can't just go out and do that. So it was really frustrating. Because it didn't make any sense. I did sort of develop a light sensitivity, but that may have been due to some other things, but it was about the same time. Make sense? Yeah, it was just really frustrating. I ended up using like, lancets, like diabetic lancets on my own fingers. And I did that a lot, probably way too much for my fingers in the skin there. And that helped, you know, to, to leave that because I really just wanted somebody else's for some reason. And I didn't even really get that till much later in life. Now to the point that it's not that much of a problem.

 

BISHOP: You drink your own blood for a while?

 

ROSE: Yeah, for a good amount. I don't think I've actually had anybody else's blood until Oh, I mean, years and years later, when I had, you know, was with my wife and things like that. That was like, well, we're both safe. I can try it. But I just never had the opportunity. Very frustrating not to have the opportunity, but I lived. So

 

BISHOP: What was it like the first time you ever drink blood?

 

ROSE: I'm really exciting, I think. But just sort of, like a relief sort of thing. Like, like, quenching your thirst, I guess. kind of exciting for sure. Because that's it's definitely sort of an edgy sort of thing. I think. There's no doubt about that. But I it's not something as if I just wanted to do this just to be edgy. It's quite. I mean, I don't know why I would make myself be so frustrated about something for no reason. Yeah, exciting, probably.

 

BISHOP: And how did that compare to your your wife served as a donor?

 

ROSE: Yeah, it's, it's hard to compare, I think, just because the, the level of want or need for blood, when I was like, 19 was so high. And now that I'm 25, it's so low that it's, it's me, it's kind of cool to finally have that opportunity. But those tendencies are so low, that it's not really a problem. I've heard that too, over time that, you know, people who when they first awaken, it's like this huge thing. And then over time, it just subsides and, you know, goes away a little bit.

 

BISHOP: Yeah. Why do you think that might be? For you personally?

 

ROSE: I don't know. Um, I think there were some times there, you know, life just kind of started to happen around me. You know, I, I moved, I drove around, I just don't know, sort of grew out of it or something. I really don't have like a good. There's no real good medical excuse for any of this. So there's no, no real way to know why it dissipated. But it does. Apparently.

 

BISHOP: Earlier, you mentioned feeding on on like energy that some people do that. Have you ever done that? Or tried?

 

ROSE: I've never tried? For sure. No. I think you would know it's like different in some way.

 

BISHOP: Obviously, most people's ideas on what a vampire is a lot of it comes from pop culture, different movies and stuff. So how do you think pop culture has maybe played a role in this kind of self discovery journey you've gone on? And how does the vampire of pop culture differ from your realities?

 

ROSE: Yeah. It's just completely different. I mean, I know there are some major vampire pop culture things like Twilight, I guess. And you know, your classical vampire stuff. I never really identified with that at all. There was no excitement around being like this character or something like that. It was always just, it was always just frustrating. Hurry just like a pain, just the pain in the ass. Really? I don't think it had any effect on me personally. Anyway.

 

BISHOP: So it was very frustrating for you having this, this craving? And did you ever reach a point? Are you at a point now where it's it's less frustrating?

 

ROSE: Yeah, I mean, it's, it's so low to a point that I mean, there were when I was 19. It was like, you know, lancets on my hands, like, maybe almost every day, or something like that. Or at least a couple times a week, but now I go months and months and months without thinking about it.

 

BISHOP: So, who in your life knows about this?

 

ROSE: Um, my parents, they know about it. But honestly, it's been so long since I told them they probably forgot. My wife, she knows. And that's that's kind of it.

 

BISHOP: How did your parents react when you talk to them about this? What was that? Like?

 

ROSE: Um, I don't know. I haven't really had a good relationship with my parents for a long time, especially at that time. I bet there was probably a fair amount of skepticism on their part. But I think our relationship was so strained at that point that I don't even remember how they would have reacted as if I would have even like paid attention, to be honest.

 

BISHOP: But your wife knows.

 

ROSE: Yeah, it's not. It's not. It's not that big of a deal. I don't think I think there's definitely a lot of different ideas around it. But it's, it's not that big of a deal. I think she might think it's a little cool, I think. But again, for me, it's like, basically just another medical condition.

 

BISHOP: What was that conversation with her? Like, when you when you told her?

 

ROSE: I think it was? Definitely, I think it was an online conversation, just like, you know, talking about it. But there's, there's, there's a certain level of like, how cool that is, I guess, like, Oh, that's so cool, you know, that you do that? Or whatever? Not? Not like a freaking out sort of thing. Just kind of it is what it is.

 

BISHOP: Yeah. Was it- was there some relief that that came with that?

 

ROSE: Um, I, I think when I was younger, when I was like, 19, and maybe I told my, my therapist about it, or something like that, there was a certain level of relief to like, let the secret out or something like that. But over time, it was just, it was just another thing, you know, just another part of who I am. And it's a became less and less important. I think.

 

BISHOP: So. you said it's it's very much just part of how you identify your wife knows, do you have like a group of friends or community that knows that you're a part of?

 

ROSE: I believe you put that the only community I have is that, that subreddit there, but I think you post it on real vampires, which is probably the most accurate space for people who are actually vampires and not, you know, not in the fantasy sense or something like that. That's like the only community that I'm really a part of, sometimes I'll interact with them, you know, make a post or respond to a post or something like that. But it's not something where I regularly talk to other vampires or something.

 

BISHOP: It's not something that you kind of seek out this community of other vampires?

 

ROSE: I think having the real vampires subreddit helps, just to be able to have somewhere to be a part of something that's a bit comforting that I'm not like crazy, or the only one who, who does something like this and to relate to other people and their experiences. I know sometimes it'll be a post about somebody who's going through something similar and I'm able to talk to them about it, or get advice. So I find comfort in having that community. It's something I definitely had seeked out and feel comfortable just having it now.

 

BISHOP: Do you wish there had been something like that when you were younger and coming to terms with all of this?

 

ROSE: Probably would have been nice. I know there were I made some attempts to reach out to some other communities that were around in the area, those never really turned into anything. And then later, I had my own communities that I was still a part of adding another one would have been a little difficult.

 

BISHOP: Backtracking a little bit, too, when you were 18, 19, having these cravings, how did you go about doing doing research or looking into you know, I'm having these cravings, I'm having these urges. What do I do about it? And how, how do I handle this?

 

ROSE: Yeah. A lot of Google searches probably think there were probably some Quora or Yahoo Answers sort of things, forums, there were probably some forums back then that I that I was able to read and, and understand. I think that's really what came down to it. I think having a therapist to them understood and didn't like judge for it was helpful, trying to get advice from them to like, what to do about it. And it's as long as it's not hurting anybody else is basically what she told me is like, well, as long as you're not hurting anybody. Why not? It's fine. You know, or hurting yourself too much.

 

BISHOP: So do you think that maybe more, as you said, it's less present in your day to day life, but when you were younger? Do you think that it had an impact being a vampire, that it had an impact on your ability to connect with people? Or was it a barrier at all,

 

ROSE: The only barrier that may have been a problem was like the sudden light sensitivity that I had, which may have come from a medication, there's possibly something, something in the list of things that I take that might have caused that, but it happened at the same time. And it's known to be sort of a symptom of people who are vampires to have a light sensitivity. And it was just really bad. I didn't have it before. And, and then it happened. And like, I would get headaches just being out in the sun too long. My sister's graduation, just wearing like multiple pairs of sunglasses just to like shield my eyes, because there's hurt so bad. That's like the barrier there. For me. That's what causes like a lot of problems or it's just like, I can't be outside during the sun. I'd rather just go out at night. And I did that a lot. I would spend a lot of time out night because I didn't have to worry about my eyes.

 

BISHOP: Do you still have a light sensitivity? Or has it gotten better over the years?

 

ROSE: Yeah, I do. It's it's a little better, I think. But I still, you know, have some prescription sunglasses that I wear on really sunny days.

 

BISHOP: Have you ever considered? Have you ever spoken with a doctor about your light sensitivity or the cravings you had when you were younger? Did you ever seek like a like a medical explanation?

 

ROSE: Um, with the light sensitivity, I'd had talked to a number of optometrists and they just said, well, some of your medications could be causing it. And that's the only real explanation I've gotten from anybody. And then they're just say, Where's some sunglasses? It's like, okay, I mean, it wasn't always like this. I was in marching band for, you know, all in high school. And I was just like, out in the sun, hours at a time, bright side, and I had a shiny insurer in my hands. And then I turned 19. And everything's just like, everything hurts. I don't know.

 

BISHOP: So you said in the survey that you filled out that you practice witchcraft.

 

ROSE: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

 

BISHOP: How did you get into that?

 

ROSE: I don't know. I thought it was I thought it was cool. Just start. That'd be something interesting to try. It's not that I wasn't. I was never really religious. And it's like, not that I don't believe in God. It's more of a thing of sorry, I'm not really answering the question. They're just looking online thing probably Tumblr helped Bromley I used to be on Tumblr, Tumblr a lot. So then it just started with like, small spells, buying a few books wearing a pentagram sort of starting to believe in magic in witchcraft that it does work or could work. I've always kind of had this idea that it's a lot like praying. You can pray for something and hope that something's gonna happen. And it might happen. So you can cast a spell and hope that it will happen and it might happen sort of thing.

 

BISHOP: How do you actively practice like what are what are practices within witchcraft or rituals that you that you do?

 

ROSE: Yeah, I consider myself a very practical witch. There are a lot of people who like Wiccans, and people who will use rituals, and they'll have like an altar and they'll have a wand and a few other things. I'm just very simple. I might. I might like, say a spell while swirling some tea or something like that. Or I'll trace a pentagram on my wrist or something and then basically pray for it or hope for it, like use my own personal magic to make that happen. Yeah, not very, not very, like altar heavy or like rituals or anything. Sometimes I think for the winter solstice, I did something. It felt right, but not a common thing for me.

 

BISHOP: So, you said that you're not you're not really religious. But you did compare witchcraft and the use of magic as being like praying. So does it does it feel like a quote unquote, religious experience for you?

 

ROSE: It's, yeah, it's what if I had to give, like if somebody asked me what my religion is, and I had to put it down on a piece of paper? That's what that's what would go there really?

 

BISHOP: Well, I think that's basically all the questions that I have. Is there anything that I didn't ask you that you'd like to talk about?

 

ROSE: I don't know whether this is relevant to anything. But we can try. I think you oftentimes on that real vampires subreddit will. There's essentially a frequently asked question section of real vampires. And it's just the list of a bunch of really good information. And a lot of times in that subreddit, we'll just have people coming in. And they'll be asking, like, really heavy fantasy questions like, like, you know, how do I get stronger or something like that, like, we're super humans or something like that. And I just want to impress the point that like, I don't think a lot of people on that subreddit are people who consider themselves vampires in the way that I do. Or anybody who thinks that they're, like, superhuman, in some way, I think most people will have the same frame of mind that I do that it's either just a curiosity or a frustration, something that they just kind of have to deal with. Instead of being something that's like a fantasy, fantastical thing, I think there is, there's like a lot of stigma around it just like even the word vampire, because of all of the media and all of the ideas that are attached to it. I think sometimes people will even call themselves sanguinarians, which is just somebody who consumes blood instead of an actual vampire. So you can get away from that. She's really impressed upon that. I think a lot of vampires are just normal people. There's, they're just living their lives doing their own things. And they just happen to like, the tastes of live or need it, or something like that.

 

BISHOP: How, how do you feel when when people come into these spaces that are that are for real vampires and do that kind of stuff and are trying to roleplay? Or trying to make the leave with it all?

 

ROSE: Yeah, I think it's not, it's not like it, uh, upsets me so much. It's not something where I get angry, or in the space or something like that. I think oftentimes, some people in the subreddit will get mad. And we'll just kind of like snap back at these people like, this is not the place for that or read the FAQ. You'll get that a lot in that subreddit. If you're just like asking questions, they'll just say read the FAQ above all else. It's, it's not super frustrating for me. I know. Some people are kind of upset about it, though. What are some common misconceptions that you think people might have about vampires?

 

I think for people who are real vampires, I had actually experienced this a little bit school. You know, this, as soon as you say that you're a vampire. Everybody gets this idea of like, oh, you're gonna turn into a bat or you're gonna go, you know, have these fangs and you're gonna suck somebody's blood at midnight or something like that? I don't know. I think I think that that's, that's certainly a problem where, as soon as you say it, everybody has this idea of what a vampire actually is. And you kind of have to explain it

 

[Sound of cassette recording and being stopped]

[Music – Jazz Suite Waltz No 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich]

 

BISHOP: Thanks for listening to this interview from “The Vampire Tapes.” I hope you enjoyed it. There are five interviews in this series, so be sure to listen to all of them. For more information on this project, check out tinyurl.com/vampiretapes.

 

[Music – Jazz Suite Waltz No 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich]